This week something hit me really hard. I asked myself a big and important question: What the heck am I doing?
Why did I ask myself that question? The answer is because I am a stay at home who has been unemployed for four years! My husband works two full time jobs to care for our bills and get our family needs. The major need lately is a minivan. (Our car is over ten years old and about to bid us adieu) LOL
Honestly our debt is strangling us so it hit me---why am I going to put more strain and pressure on an already stressful situation? I am filled with guilt and helplessness that I cannot do more for my husband. I cannot stand not being able to take care of my own needs--financially speaking. There is a decline in freedom and independence that occures when you become a stay at home parent. I dont think a lot of people realize that.
I actually dont mind it so much but I suppose that was because I wasnt trying to do anything for myself. My biggest splurge since becoming a mom has been with my scrapbooking.
A Layout of our Honeymoon-Disney Cali-2005
I love, love, love scrapbooking. Its like a mixture of photography, journaling, and pretty things all rolled into one! I have always enjoyed being creative. I made my first little book at nine and I remember I included puzzles, a maze, jokes, and a poem *smile* But the crafting and scrapbooking that I do is not only for me but for my loved ones---doing my pinup is just for ME!
I keep telling myself I picked a hell of a time to finally think of myself. I am thirty-five, married, mother of three----sure that makes for a great pinup model! Most pinups have a pre-baby body, are thirty and under, and have a job! I have none of those assets. That's the raw truth and I am actually fine with that. I love being thirty-five and have NO interest in being younger. Plus most people think I am a lot younger than I actually am. When I was twenty I looked as if I was twelve, which not good for me when it came to dating! LOL
Me at 23--Summer of '99. With braces on my teeth not my
legs--I didn't wear my braces for a few years trying to fit
normal folks-messed my feet up. Anyway this
is also the first and last time I dyed my hair LOL Nice huh?
I do know I have many things to offer this world. I have realized that there is something in me that is yearning to be expressed and speak out.
I want other women, especially mothers to know that they can not only feel beautiful but look beautiful, especially in front of the camera. I realized that I have spent thirty-five years tending to others and keeping every ones memories safe. I have taken pictures, journaled, scrapbooked, made albums for others--you name it I have done it and still doing it. I love memory keeping.
But you know what----I want to be remembered. Not just through my three beauties but through ME! I want to remember myself. Does that make sense? I want to be important to me and I thought I always did but actions speak louder than words. Its so much easier to tend to others than it is to myself. Most of the time I am the only woman in my house and the only woman in my life (minus two or three great friends). So I find it difficult to bounce ideas off myself all the time, ask myself if I look good, teach myself how to do hair and makeup. I do believe that void of not having my mother is huge but that's for another blog post! *smile*
I confess that I am up for the challenge but being home and tending to my babies all day long for days and weeks and months without a break or a moment to myself leaves me exhausted. In every way possible! Its not a complaint-its a fact-its my reality. So to think of my needs takes great effort and energy and most days I just don't have it in me.
I feel like its a fight to do things for myself. Imagine everyday fighting--you become mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. Well, that's where I am right now.
Do I want to give up? The answer is NO! I am not a quitter but the reality of the situation is that there are bills to pay and food to be bought. So I ask myself over and over---stay or go? You know I have to stay--I know I have to keep going at this. My only solution to all of this is to try and make my own money so not only do I not strain our finances but I also will feel accomplished doing this for myself.
I am now going to sell my stuff on Etsy and Ebay as well as setting up a yard sale in front of my home. In October I will be participating in a local yard sale around my neighborhood so here's to hoping I raise enough money for my vintage clothes, photo shoots, and practice material!
So an attempt to answer my heavy question, "What the heck am I doing?" I know I don't want to make things worse for my family. I know I am following my heart and challenging myself to do not only the impossible but to do things I would have NEVER dared dream to do. Putting myself in the camera---wow--it is way more comfortable to be behind it especially after having three babies back-to-back-to back! *giggle*
But I do dare say, I really want to celebrate myself. Even if no one notices--I notice!