It may be a seasonal thing-it used to happen to me in my college days. Some people call it mid-winter blues, I used to get it always in October. I honestly don't know why. Call it the blues then. I get it every once in a while now, brought on by the stresses that my husband and I share with the schedule that we keep every week.
I became inspired to share a rant with you after reading my friend Jennifer's confession on her amazing blog called I know, right? She is such a great girl and I love her writing style. If you get a chance to read her posts you will see what I mean. I can relate to her post not because I feel a bit lost or perhaps with little direction but because I am stuck in rut. But what makes my rut maddening for me is that I know I could get out of it if only I had more time/money. Which then leads me to being frustrated...
My Vision Board has helped keep me focused on my desires and current dreams, but I am struggling with keeping my optimism. I think this is happening because of the way our lifestyle is at the moment. I think I have given you bits and pieces of what it is like but here I go.....I want you all to know I am not sharing this because I want sympathy and I certainly do not care for pity....I am sharing it because I need to get it off my chest. You will see why.
Contrary to how tired I am, I love being a stay at home mother. I have worked 9-5 jobs since I was 16 until I was 31, with my disability and all-no matter how hard it was for me to stand or do things-I did it. I am very proud of the fact that I did. I defiantly feel like I am doing a slamming job raising my children. They are polite, energetic, sweet, affectionate, and loving. I cannot ask for more.
I know of so many amazing moms who are able to have a cleaning lady come in once a week, go on dates with their spouses, have family and friends around to help out and keep them sane. They may even be able to go on vacations whether it is for a weekend or a month. I am in no way jealous of them, I am not the jealous type. I feel happy for them and I know how much all of that helps especially when you are working so hard being a mom.
I see my husband for about 30 minutes in the morning and in the evening. He doesn't come home until 12:30am after working his two jobs. On the weekends, we get to see him until about two or three in the afternoon. We only have one car so we try and fit as many errands as possible during those times. He is very tired so he tries to take care of his own stuff and sometimes helps me with the house. My family lives in another part of New York and all of my closest friends live out of state or out of country. Most were native New Yorkers but have since relocated their lives and their families.
I don't have many people that I can really talk to and being on skype or online in any way shape or form takes a lot of time away from the kids, which usually leads them to going wacko on me hehe Lately, I have been trying to give myself a certain amount of hours online and then shut it off for the rest of the day. Otherwise, the babies really do need a great deal of attention, especially these days with the baby becoming two soon. He is my lil monkey hehe
I don't get out much during the week because there is only one car and such a limited time to get things done. So I am home bound a great deal. The times you have seen me post outings and such, a great deal of planning and sacrifice goes into those. To top it off lately I have been feeling incredibly fatigued by the time the afternoon has rolled around. I think its because of lack of sleep. I am a lighter sleeper than my husband so every time a baby wakes up or crawls into our bed, I wake up.
Not having my husband around is huge! If he were to come home after job number one, it would help in so many ways. My children get to have fun with dad and we would do more together but also just knowing someone is around helps so much.
Now my rant isn't about my hardships because there will always be hard times in our lives. I have been through many already so I know its okay. And it isn't about what I don't have because I am aware that there are others who have less and have it worse. I suppose I am just tired of feeling tired and tired of feeling frustrated. I know what I want out of my life, I have a list of things I want to do and want to learn etc. But without time or money how can anyone move ahead?
There isn't much I can do about feeling tired, but what can I do about feeling frustrated? I work on my blog everyday, although I am unable to post as frequently as I would like, it takes days- sometimes weeks to complete a post because I have to it little by little. Really, I work with whatever the day has given to me.
You all know how passionate I am as a person and how determined I am to succeed-the universe knows what I want and I know it doesn't happen overnight, but how does one overcome the feeling like what they are doing isn't enough? My father reminds me from time to time that I do a lot, even though all I did on one given day is the laundry, dishes, bottles, and a craft with the kids. I wish I could do more.
Ever feel like your heart or mind is going to burst open if not given a chance to express oneself or be creative. That's me. I am so grateful for the times I do get to express myself like right now (babies 1 and 2 are napping) or the times I get to be creative, like my World's Fair Shoot. I am so grateful that my husband supports my craziness over the vintage and everything that comes with it. For my dad, even though he doesn't understand anything that I am doing, he does know it has made me happy, so he babysits when he can so I can do my thing. For all the friends I have made through blogging and modeling-I have met some incredible people. I know I am blessed, now I need to figure out how I can help myself from being overwhelmed with impatience and frustration.
How do you deal with those emotions? I am aware that if I had more time with my husband, more time for myself, and more money to tend what needs to be tending too, I wouldn't feel down so often-so defeated. How do you deal with those moments in life that kick you down?
I hope you feel like you know me a little better. I want my blog not only to express my passion for the past but also to express my passion for living the best life I can.
Much Love, Bunny xox